Friday, August 31, 2012

The Things Not Said

Don't get me wrong I love talking about my races and writing funny posts about what I am thinking as I run, but I think my favorite posts are the ones that are written from my heart.  Sometimes I get caught up trying to come up with post ideas that I think you will enjoy reading but I started writing for me.  To reflect back on things I felt or experienced. To record parts of my life.

If you google advice on how to survive a long-distance relationship (LDR), one of the main points that shows up is to have some kind of plan for when you will be together.  Not together for the weekend, but together long-term.  Living together or in the same city or in the same state.

Want to know my plan?

The no-plan plan.

I have no plan.  Sometimes it gets to me, but other times I think, "I'm only 24 and I have my whole life ahead of me."

I was thinking about this in the context of choosing what to say and what not to say after my vacation to the Dells.

This summer I've been traveling back to Cascade a lot so I've been seeing Matt a lot.  But visits there don't always translate to a quality time together.  There are friends to hang out with, laundry to do, family to see, and events to attend.  I very much enjoy being able to do all those things, but it's nice to spend time chatting and doing things we enjoy together.


Other friends of mine that are or have been in LDRs, tell me that they talk or text with their significant other every or most days.  Matt and I don't do that.  A habit that formed during college when we were both swamped in homework and activities and fun.  I thought that it might change once we were both out of school, but now he is busy with work and hanging out with friends back home and I'm busy training and doing other things.  Does it bother me that we don't talk all the time? Not really.  We've always been independent and I don't like being tied down to the phone at night.  I'd rather talk in person.

Unfortunately, when we don't talk we run into problems.  Like me having a breakdown on the phone doing the ugly cry.  I'm not proud.

I kept thinking of things I wanted to say while we were together, but they all seemed to imply something else.

"I wish we could be together more often."  Somewhere under that statement is "I wish we could live closer to each other" and "I wish you would move closer to Chicago like you said you could."

So instead I keep my mouth shut.  I don't say those things because I don't want to ruin the trip.  To bring those issues up when we are together.

Those things are still there bubbling beneath the surface even if I don't say them aloud though.  I think about them.

We don't talk about our "plan" because neither of us wants to give in.  Matt thinks he's found his dream job and I don't want to move to Iowa.  I enjoy my job and honestly, the job prospects in Iowa for biomedical engineers isn't great.   I chose engineering as a major because it is what I am, it's my passion and I'm certainly not ready to give up on it at the age of 24.


We are stuck in that in-between state.  With no idea where the out is or how to get there.

At times, I am at peace with the situation.  I'm confident that God has a plan for me and for us and that it will work out in the end.  I feel like there is no point dwelling on the future because I don't no what is going to happen and instead, I try to be content in the present.

Then the pendulum swings the other way, and I freak out.  I contemplate throwing in the towel because it is just too much work.  How can it ever work out? I look for faults to make it easier to get out.

It's a complicated situation and I often feel like other people just don't get it.  It's hard to explain.

In the meantime, I just try to be happy with where I'm at.  And trust the plan.
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